Recently, I posted to my personal Facebook “What are your new year’s resolutions?” and received this response. It took me by surprise. Everyone else’s response seemed to do with self-improvement, but this, I liked this. I also knew that I couldn’t use this as one of my own.
As I read my friend’s words, a sinking feeling appeared in the pit of my stomach. “I’m not ready for that,” I thought, and it’s true. At this point in my life, I am re-evaluating all of my relationships, especially the ones with my family. I made a list of what I loved, and not one single person from my life was listed on there (though some actors definitely were. Looking at you, Michael Fassbender).
It sounds corny, but Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is” sprang to mind as a possible resolution. I do want to know what love is, but for some reason, I am actively fighting against it. I don’t know if this has to do with losing the person I loved the most from my life this past year, or if it has to do with the gaps I’ve been feeling with the artificial branch of my family tree, or even how I’m trying to give my mother a second chance but there is just nothing left inside of me for her. Maybe it’s all three. Maybe it’s none of those.
So no, I will not be allowing love to happen this year, though that is most certainly a beautiful resolution. I can’t allow it, not right now, not while I’m going through this crisis of “Do I really love my family, or is it merely obligation? What is love, anyway?” I do wish that if you’re in a good place, that you make this your goal for the year. Let something wonderful happen to you.
If you’re curious, here’s some things from my list of what I love:
- The opening scene to Sin City
- Buster, my dog
- Being a geek
- Receiving mail that’s not spam
- The color teal
- Black and white horizontal stripes
- Michael Fassbender
- Dragon Age for the PS3
- Taking pictures