Resolution Update

So it’s June, and it’s time we check in to those rather ambitious resolutions I made at the beginning of the year. I took a lot of them away and accomplished a few, but a lot more are still works in progress. Let’s see what kind of progress, okay?

  • Get my motorcycle license. Sadly, this was taken off of my resolution list. I have a lot of things I need to focus on this year, and this just shouldn’t be one of my priorities.
  • Lose 100 50 pounds. Yes, I changed the number of pounds, and I’ve also only been gaining weight, but no one could’ve forsaw how bad my winter was.
  • Play a sport! I actually accomplished this one! I signed up for softball. I didn’t make it through the whole season, but I still played some games, and I just absolutely loved it! I will be playing a lot more sports…once I get money.
  • Get my shit together. HAHHAHAHA. No.
  • Buy a new car. 
  • Visit a new state. If I can get my money right, I plan on renting a car and driving out to Kansas (and my cute coworker out there has absolutely no influence on why the state is Kansas this year).
  • Get a new job. Things got better, but then they didn’t. I signed up for the Peace Corps, but they rejected me, so I’m currently looking.
  • Reconnect with what I love. I have actually been doing this on and off. I played softball. I’ve been letter writing. I’ve been dancing, cooking, listening to music. I’ve been video gaming and talking to my Mom and spending time with family. I’ve been doing puzzles and reading. I haven’t had much money to do anything else.
  • Get LABC its own web address. No progress made yet.
  • Do more art. Yeah, I’ve failed at this one so far.
  • Take care of my general health. I have a dentist appointment Friday! Take that!
  • Get my tooth fixed. Dentist appointment, hello?
  • Read all the books on my shelf. This one is coming. I have 47 more books left to read. I don’t know if this is actually achievable though.
  • Learn to love myself. Yeah…no.
  • Make 50 new friends. 
  • Talk to my mother. I actually did this, at my worst moment this winter. I called her, crying, and said I just needed to know the truth. She wouldn’t come out and say what had happened, but it was a really good talk.
  • Figure out who I am.
  • Escape escapism once a month.
  • Change my name legally. I’m just waiting until I have the money together on this one.
  • Stop settling. I feel like I’ve made decent progress on this. I’ve definitely avoided some unpleasantness because of this.

So how are your resolutions coming along? I’ve got two down, but still a lot more to go!

A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action Please

I had a dream the other night that involved a guy I liked in high school. I ran into him again, and instead of actually pursuing him, I did the same passive-aggressive flirting ritual that I had used on him in real life. I was actually pretty pissed at myself when I woke up. Six years have passed, and my methods, that haven’t gotten me results, haven’t changed? What gives?

This is how I live my life though. It wasn’t just about Cody and my three year crush that involved absolutely no action on my part. The few times I’ve acted, I’ve gotten results, but that’s never pushed me to incorporate that as a regular thing in my life. I’d like to blame the years of bullying, but I told myself recently to stop playing the victim card. This is all me. This is my life, and I need to start taking responsibility for what is happening in it.

I literally just finished watching American Beauty for the first time (starring the ever-handsome Kevin Spacey) and the message I got from that was along the same lines: Go after what you want, and stop putzing around. I’m not saying blackmail your work into a severance package like in the movie, or seduce your young daughter’s friend, but stop waiting! Stop letting other people dictate your life for you! Stand up for yourself. Stop holding yourself back.

I’ve always admired how people can just pack up and move to a new state. What about a job? Money? But sometimes, that means doing jobs you don’t like while finding jobs you do. We all want that sense of security, of knowing that next week, our paycheck will come in on Friday and be for x amount. This false sense of security is holding me back from my dream of traveling, of moving to New York, of just doing.

If I don’t change anything about myself and my life, how can I ever expect different outcomes?

It’s odd timing that I decided to watch this movie the same week I had the dream about Cody, but I get it, World. It’s time to stop talking the good game and simply act. It definitely is possible to think too much before you do something.

Here’s a guarantee to myself and my blog readers: Two of the biggest issues in my life right now are money and my weight. This week, I will exercise every day. I will only spend money on bills and gas. This is talk right now, but this is also a promise. I will check back in next week with my results, but I’m telling you now, something has got to give and it’s time that it wasn’t me. Self control for the win!

Death Is A Six-Letter Word

If you had asked me only a year ago how I felt about my mother, I would’ve shrugged and said, “I take her with a grain of salt.” If you could’ve read my thoughts, you would know that I was actually thinking how I have tried so hard to love her, but it has left me exhausted to the point where I have no feelings left for her. My mother, she simply exists, nothing more.

If this had been going on last year, I would’ve simply said, “That sucks” and move on, but this isn’t last year. This is 2015, and I love my mother, just in time to watch her die.

Nothing is certain as of yet. They found something on her lung. It might be cancer, but they’re going to give it three months and see if it grows any. It won’t matter if they catch it early though. If it is cancer, she’s as good as dead.

My mother told me, as we were sitting around the dinner table on Saturday, that if it is cancer, she’s not going to pursue chemo. She’s not going to wait until it gets bad, either. She’s going to kill herself. I can’t tell if she’s saying this simply to get a reaction from me or if she really means it. I can’t tell if this is because of the conclusions we’ve come to throughout the week, about how she won’t be able to stay at home to do chemo, about how I would take off of work to take her to appointments and to basically hold her hand, about how my brother would have to step up and help. I don’t know if this ties into the fight we had with my brother Tuesday night, where I found her crying in her room and she told me she feels like she’s holding him back, that maybe he really should move up here with me. I can’t tell what she means by this, so I say, “You know, if you kill yourself, life insurance won’t pay out.”

Because that’s all I really can say. I don’t know what’s going through her head. Everything I am feeling, she must be feeling ten times worse. Do I agree with her decision? Absolutely. If it was me, I wouldn’t kill myself necessarily, but I also wouldn’t pursue chemo. It’s entirely selfish of me to want her to destroy herself just so she might live long enough for me to settle down and have her some grandchildren. I won’t push that on her.

I keep thinking about how we are finally getting along after 19 years, how I finally feel like I’m part of a family again. I keep thinking that if only this had happened sooner, before I allowed myself to start loving her again. I keep thinking that parents die and it’s just something that happens.  Maybe we’ll get lucky, but we’re not known for our luck.

So here we sit, in limbo, for three months.

How Drake May Have Saved My Life

As you, regular blog reader, will know, I was out on a “sabbatical” for awhile due to mental health issues. I am still not going into details, but I will talk to you about how I got through it.

As many of you might suspect, my self esteem is minimal. Smaller than an atom. I was made to think that I was never worth anything, and in my low points in life, it grips me hard and practically paralyzes me. I watched all the seasons of Friends, it was that bad. But there was one artist that surprisingly helped me get through this low point: Drake.

Weird, right? According to Let Me Drake That For You, Drake doesn’t care about mental health. His songs are primarily about money and bitches and himself. How could his music ever help me pull through one of the darkest patches in my life?

You know the saying, “Fake it till you make it?” Well, the same could be said about self esteem/self love, and Drake has plenty of love for himself. You can tell by 70% of his song lyrics.

“I swear I love myself cause I swear their life is just not as fun.” -Miss Me, Drake

Rap along to his songs long enough, and you will start to feel empowered, like the Canadian Jewish rapper you actually are on the inside. You will lift up his feeling of invincibility and transfer it over to yourself. Drake is King in the religion of feeling good about yourself.

“And really, I think I like who I’m becoming.” -Crew Love, Drake

Now, I feel like I need to give you the story behind my induction into the Gospel Of Drake to give this more credibility. I didn’t start of loving Drake. In fact, I didn’t even know he was Drake. To me, he was just Jimmy. That’s right, I watched Degrassi. I missed out on USA shows like Saved By The Bell, but I watched the hell out of Degrassi.

Flash forward about five or six years, and everyone keeps talking about this “Drake” character. “Drake this” and “Drake that”. This was around the time Drake Bell was trying to do his own music career, so when people said Drake, I thought they meant him. “No, I don’t like Drake,” I’d respond and kept responding, until “Best I Ever Had” came on the radio. The guy I was dating at the time pointed out that was Drake.

Since then, I’ve listened to him consecutively. His cds rarely leave my car. However, if you had told me he would save my life, I’d still would’ve said, “Pshaw! How?” But his lyrics really did get me through this hard time. Nothing Was Ever The Same didn’t leave my car stereo for a straight month! I can’t say that about really any other artist out there. He was mad when I wanted to be mad. He was confident when I was feeling my most vulnerable. He was there for me when everyone else was too busy focusing on their problems to respect that I had my own.

So Drake, if you’re listening, thanks.

To everyone else, enjoy some more uplifting lyrics.

“I had to prove I made the right decision.” -Underground Kings, Drake

“I might be too strung out on compliments, overdosed on confidence. Started not to give a fuck and stopped fearing the consequences.” -Headlines, Drake

“Last name ever, first name greatest.” -Forever, Drake

“I swear this life is like the sweetest thing I’ve ever known.” -Over, Drake

“Started from the bottom, now we’re here.” -Started From The Bottom, Drake

Blogging Vacation Is Over!

I am officially coming off my blogging vacation. I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile now, but since I got in the habit of writing posts at work (and have been too busy at work to write), it’s been a struggle for me to sit down at home and blog (the struggle isn’t sitting down, it’s the blogging).

I could talk about what made me take a vacation in the first place, but let’s just ignore that and keep right on going, shall we? I’d like to thank everyone who is still reading this blog, everyone who sent me well-wishes, and my friends who got me through some of the emotional stuff.

You’re going to see some changes on the blog. I won’t be doing Fandom Fridays anymore, or any type of “weekly” post. I feel like a scheduled series takes away from blog content, which this blog will start to focus on. There may still be lists from time to time, but they will be my lists that I came up with. You can still count on my book posts and picture posts. What I’m trying to accomplish is making this blog, essentially, me. Something I can be proud of when a penpal says they read my blog.

While I’ve been on vacation, I’ve been trying to do stand-up comedy. While I think I’m hanging up on that dream, I will be trying to do more comedic posts. That means more personal posts as well.

Pictures are still pretty much a non-thing for this blog, as my camera is still broken. Hopefully that will change soon, but my wallet says “try again later”.

I promise that my posting will be at least once a week. I don’t want to says 3 times a week cause I don’t want to make that kind of content commitment. Also, after being on a vacation and coming back to Bloglovin, I have over 1600 posts to catch up on, some blogs with over 50 posts. That’s a bit ridiculous and I hope I’m never that blog. I want this to be something you actually read, not just mark as read to get it off your dashboard.

So prepare yourself, internet, cause Jo’s about to give this thing all she’s got!